Years ago, I was a brand new mom, with a brand new baby, and I was in love. He was so sweet and bright and intelligent. His curiosity was delightful, and he loved to he held by me and Dada so he could explore all the things.
Melts my heart thinking about it now.
I was also terribly sleep deprived. Like, so so bad. This little baby's brain just wouldn't and couldn't shut down, and he had this uncanny sense for when I wasn't immediately next to him. Any plans I had of keeping him in a bassinet or crib were immediately and thoroughly dashed. If he wasn't touching ME he didn't sleep. And even then, he would wake up at night and be ready to play, bouncing his diapered butt on my head and stepping on my face so he could look out the window at 2 am. I would do my best to stay in a semi-waking space where I could doze but still be roused if he got hurt.
All of my babies have had trouble sleeping in some way or another, and for years I thought I was doing something wrong. Turns out they just had ADHD and Autism.
In my experience, and anecdotally gathered from the experiences of other mothers who have neurodivergent children, easily disrupted sleep is a common early sign of wiggly squiggly brains. If you are a mom experiencing this for the first time, I want you to know something:
You're not doing anything wrong. Your baby is just struggling to understand what sleep is and why it's important. That's because your baby is a baby and doesn't understand much yet. The good news is there are things you can do to help your child sleep. It might take some trial and error to find out what works for your family. It certainly did with mine. Our bedtime routine changed with trial and error over the years as my children got older and I had more babies, but eventually I DID figure out something that worked.
Here's some things that I did to help my kiddos sleep:
1) Co-sleeping. This could be sharing a room, or following the Safe 7 guidelines for bedsharing. This allowed me to be right there when they started to waken and I could soothe them right back to sleep.
2) Complete blackout in the bedroom. We put cardboard in our windows and taped it up with silver tape to prevent any light from getting through. We painted over or covered any lights that were in the room. Complete. Total. Darkness.
3) Supplements that help with sleep. Specifically magnesium and tryptophan. I still give it to my kids to this day, and they are between the ages of 7-12. Start with a little magnesium in water and give it as "bedtime juice". When I gave my littles tryptophan I dissolved one capsule in hot water, added a sugar free juice flavor, and diluted it up to a quart of water. I started them on it around 10-12 months old, and I only gave about a tablespoon of the mixture. Maybe two. Kept in the fridge it should last quite a while. I was also very cautious about their diet, and I didn't allow things like added sugars, food dyes, or super refined foods. We had healthy proteins, fats, and most of our carbohydrates came from rice.
4) Water noises. Not white noise, or pink, or brown, or any other color. Specifically water noises. If you do this, find one that you like. We used rain sounds that would build with intensity and then decrease over the course of an hour. This provides just enough brain stimulation while they sleep and their brains begin to recognize while that rain is going that it's sleeping time. A baby and toddler's sleep cycles are much shorter than an adults, so this tended to sync up with their natural cycles.
5) Outdoor stimulation and play. I know. It's winter. It's cold. Your baby is just a little thing. We lived in northern rural Missouri at the time, and winters were harsh, icy, and brutal. But dang it, my kids STILL don't sleep if they haven't burned off enough energy yet. Play at the park, go on walks, go join the open gym time at Madison Gymnastics. Ask family to buy memberships to places your child can play so you can take him there during poor weather. Ask them to give you nice expensive snow boots (or contribute to the budget for you) so you can take them out on walks. But let your baby move that body and work that brain.
6) Create a die hard bedtime routine and never deviate from it for the next 5 years. Yes, I'm serious. Once I began to figure out what it was that would calm everyone down in the evening I had to stick to that and never do anything to mess it up. Whatever it is that soothes your baby, whether it's baths or a baby massage, stories or songs, do the same thing in the same order at about the same time every night. If you miss the routine more than two nights in a row, just assume that you're going to do a hard reset that will take at least a week to get running smoothly again. When you have a new baby, just move the baby right into that bedtime routine.
All of the above points were rolled into item 6 of course, and you need to understand there might be quite a bit of trial and error to figure out what will work with your specific child. Also understand that none of this is a "quick fix". This works on an exponential curve. If your baby is older, say above 6-8 months old, then expect a little pushback from them. The whole process may take up to 6 months before your baby just expects it every night.
In my own family, I would say it took my oldest a solid 6 months to accept the new routine, and another 6 months to begin to rely on the routine. Once they reach the stage of relying on the predictability of the routine though.... That's when things start to really shine for you as a mom. You begin to feel competent, you get more sleep, and people stop giving you unsolicited advice about how you just need to lock your baby in a crib and let them cry all night so they "learn". The only thing that an infant left to cry for hours on end learns is that no one will come to their aid when they are distressed. That wasn't a message I was willing to teach my children, and I know many parents feel the same. I also want to add that this advice is aimed towards families whose babies struggle to sleep due to neurodivergent brain structures. Babies that struggle to sleep due to "colic" or physical health issues are a slightly different matter. Whatever the causes, sleep is important for all members of the family, especially the primary care givers. I hope this gives you a place to start troubleshooting your family's sleep routine to help everyone get a good night of sleep! Let me know in the comments if you have any questions or suggestions to add!
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